Having a busy household is something I’ve always enjoyed. With three children of my own, and my beauty business I ran out of my home there was never a dull moment. My house was always the place for sleepovers, and it was actually my own children that said I would make a great foster carer as I loved having a full house. So, I looked into it and started fostering. This was back in 2019, right before COVID. I started with some planned break fostering. Then in 2020 what was initially a short-term arrangement turned into a four year one. COVID was like running a café! Four different children, four different schools, four different sets of homework – after that we felt we could take on anything! After discussing it with my children, we decided that we wanted to make room for even more children, so I had our loft converted and now we have a group of three siblings living with us. It’s a lot of hustle and bustle, especially at mealtimes and weekends but I wouldn’t have it any other way.
First of all, my children are one hundred percent on board with any fostering decision I make. After all, we had the whole house modified so we could keep siblings together. They had to be part of that journey.
When it comes to the day-to-day, those first few weeks are a real whirlwind, but things settle down and it’s all about organisation and routine. We have a calendar of social activities and then plan around that. My own children’s age range is between 15 - 21 years, while the foster children are between 10 - 14 years. Naturally, the younger children need more time and attention, so it’s important to make an active effort to carve out time with the others. Whether it’s taking them out for a meal and some one-to-one attention, or inviting them to watch a film on the sofa once the younger one’s are in bed. I think making space to do that really is the key to a good balance.
Because they’ve been so involved from the start, they’re really empathetic and the foster children see them as role models. My daughter is super arty and will take the time to do art with them, while my sons are always there to lend a hand with maths homework. It really is a family effort.
Before I started fostering, I didn’t think I’d be able to foster as a single mum with three children of my own, so we were all excited to find out this wasn’t the case when I enquired with Excel Fostering. But having a support network around you is so important. My oldest daughter and son are super supportive – there’s always someone in the house to lend a hand.
My mum is a godsend too! She pops over three times a week to help out wherever needed, then I have a close friend who comes over every Friday and three of my daughter’s friends are babysitters. So, I have a village.
In fact, when the children see me putting my earrings on, they know I’m getting out of the house, and they get excited about having someone different to play with!
Having that support and being able to take some time for yourself is important. When the foster children first came, and they were getting settled I basically didn’t leave them for two months. Which was the right thing, but it was important they could be without me too. The youngest was very attached to me and got anxious every time I went out, but it was important to build that trust, that she knew I would do what I said I would, and I’ll always come back to her. She still waits by the window when she knows it’s time for me to arrive home, which is very sweet and I’m cautious to manage her expectations. I’ll always let her know when I’ll be home and if I’m running late, I’ll call to let her know.
Every child is different, so no matter how prepared you are when they first arrive will always be a shock.
My children are amazing at adapting and seeing what they need. My daughter helped the girls set up their rooms. Foster children rarely arrive with many belongings, and my son noticed this and set up his Xbox and screen for our foster son. He so appreciated this because he could then keep in touch with his cousins and friends from school. I didn’t ask them to do this, it all came from them.
Fostering has made them more empathetic as people.
Because of the loft conversion we have six bedrooms, and the children were overwhelmed by the size of the house, they were overwhelmed that we always had food. It’s those kinds of little things that are hard to prepare for. They wanted 7 meals a day! It’s difficult to fully understand what they’ve been through, so it was a process weaning them from that and helping them to understand that the food won’t run out – they don’t need to eat so much.
It's even hard to prepare yourself for the emotions that you’ll feel. When they first arrived, the girls would make me a card or a picture for anything I bought them, they were so grateful. My youngest foster daughter made me a card that said, ‘thank you for being there when I wake up.’ How can you not be moved by that? To this day it makes me feel emotional thinking about it. It’s a reminder of what a worthwhile thing I’m doing. How every child deserves love and safety.
Trust is something hard won when it comes to fostering, it’s a long process that takes a lot of patience. One thing you should never lose sight of is what the foster children have been through, they’ve been let down by the adults who should have protected them so building trust is hard. It’s never their fault, it’s you as an adult who must keep showing up and do that in ways that are right for them.
My foster son is very quiet, so I like to meet him where he is and make him feel comfortable. Because he doesn’t like talking much, we text and that works for us. You learn to celebrate those little wins. He spends a lot of time in his room, which is his safe space, and I respect that, but when I text him recently that we were making fruit bowls together in the kitchen and asked if he wanted to join us I received a thumbs up emoji and he came down. I was so happy. The progress is there, it may be baby steps but it’s worth the effort to keep going.
Use your support network. Make sure you take time for each individual child.
More than anything my advice for those with children who are thinking about fostering is to ensure that your children are one hundred percent on board, this will be their journey too. Use your skills as a parent to hear what they’re saying and also the words they aren’t.
Keep the lines of communication open always. Empowering your children to be able to speak their mind, and even say no, it’s a pretty powerful thing.
Ready to learn more about fostering? Find out more by calling an Excel Fostering advisor today on 0800 012 4004.
Start the conversation today. Our team of friendly advisors are on hand to answer any foster care questions you may have. We can offer you honest and practical advice that can help you decide if becoming a foster carer is the right path for you.
